People around me.
i realise different people have different relationships with their mothers. most people in college i’ve met have sweet, loving relationships with their moms or mummys. so i sometimes wonder what difference is there between you and i. you have a healthy family, filled with love and care and weekly allowances and you don’t really worry about money that much, other than wondering if you can afford that new iPhone you always wanted or those pair of shoes you’ve been eyeing at the mall. no, we are different people.
in class, i sit like everyone else. answer questions like everyone else. be passive or engage in the jokes that are shared with the lecturers. but i am more interested in the daily, mundane, small pieces of thoughts that run through everyone’s minds. i want to know what thoughts run in her mind when she’s playing with her hair like that. what problems that guy is thinking about when he’s checking whether he clicked his clicky pen the right way so that the metal tip is out.
the reason why i mentioned mothers is that, every one in class seems to have healthy relationships with their mothers. i sometimes hear, “oh, my mom is taking me out to dinner at some restaurant.” or “oh, my mom would kill me if i got home late… i wonder what she’s doing.” or “my mom is taking me out later to play badminton” or “we’re going out for a movie”.
when i hear them say these kinds of things, things i clearly cannot relate, i wonder about the vast the differences between us. i never say my mom is taking me out to dinner, because my mother does not do that. she can’t even go to the supermarket without feeling sick or angry or some kind of emotion i dislike. i don’t ever watch movies with my mother. in fact, we have never watched a movie together. i don’t think about what she is doing because i just don’t. i can’t stand being in the same room with her. not because i don’t love her or hate her. it is because we don’t have that kind of relationship everyone seems to have. it seems that the only thing we do together is live under the same roof.
how different a person i could be if only love was brought into the early years of my life. will i be like you? will i take advantage of everything that is brought before me? will i no longer appreciate the beauty in everyday things such as the sun rising on the horizon or the sound the wind makes when it blows past my face? will i be married by now knowing that i have learned the ability to love because my parents taught me how? i do not know the answers. i just wonder and i write. and so sometimes i wonder how different my insignificant days would be if only i had some sort of guardian to hold my hand and teach me the proper ways of living.
am i not living properly? i feel some sort of happiness. but it is not the kind i wish to have. i want more.
you’re not the only one out there feeling like this.
my mom and I have a great relationship now, but there was definitely a period in my life when I couldn’t stand my mother. I was so so so angry with her. I had to write my feelings down in a journal because I definitely knew I would get in trouble if I verbally expressed myself (basically all I had to say was swear words), and I would get so angry that I would rip the paper apart in my journal while writing. this may be more extreme than what is going on with your mother and you, but it could definitely be a phase? I could be totally wrong on that thought, but I know for my situation, it was definitely a phase. I understood afterwards that my mom was just going through a really stressful time in her life (switching jobs) and she was just getting old. It’s harder to hold it together as you age, and my father wasn’t exactly the most helpful person… (but that’s a whole other story). I think you have the right to be unhappy, but i think it would be also very helpful and healthy for you to think about what it is/was about your mom that has shaped the way you live. you could not be on the best of terms with your mom, but there are still ways she has influenced you that makes you a good person. i don’t know if this changes anything, but I just wanted to comment, because I know how you feel.
i don’t know you and your mom’s situation, but if it was anything like mine, it is definitely nice just to talk to her. start opening up to her about some things. it doesn’t have to be extreme. maybe just a current event, or something cool that happened to you today. if there are opinions, listen. it gets frustrating ( i knowww) buut, it’s always interesting to hear different opinions. and its a good “life lesson” because in the future when you’re working within a company or something, there will definitely be contrasting opinions, and it’s not worth it to always get frustrated.
sorry for writing a novel.